When darkness runs out of fuel...

This post is in relation to my post titled "Release" (October 15, 2018).

In the end, I did not shatter the friendship. I did go on silent mode for a few weeks but I ultimately started to respond again. It may seem like I'm backtracking from what I had intended to do but that's not quite what it is. It wasn't because I couldn't do it, it was because there was no longer a reason to do it. Months after the series of incidences that had troubled me thus far, I no longer felt the anger and bitterness I used to feel. It seems that the darkness that used to swirl within me has run out of fuel. Of course, there is still a small marble-sized ball of sadness caused by the end of a close friendship but I could still continue being not-so-close friends without any sense of it being forced.

This is partly due to a quote I heard from my mom, whom in turn, heard it from her best friend (translated): "Let others be mean to us, just don't let it be us who are mean to others."

Release

It was long overdue but it was time to let go.

I could no longer keep up the charade of friendship when the people in the group possessed empathy only for themselves and others like themselves. I could no longer extend empathy to people who did not extend any empathy to me, whether it was through lack of awareness or whatever other reasons they had. Initially, I did not want to shatter the camaraderie that we supposedly had. If I did, it would feel like I broke something special.
It was getting too burdensome to pretend everything was okay for the sake of protecting the group but I was forgetting one crucial fact: it was never real. In a true friendship, people understood each other and supported each other through the good and bad times. Once you got to know each other better, you would not pull back after discovering the issues the other person had. You would try to help that person and not be afraid of difficult conversations. You would help your friend in need, especially if that friend had helped you countless of times before. To sum it up, I could not break something that wasn't real and therefore, should not feel bad about "breaking" it.

Whatever "it" was, I should have no qualms about leaving it behind and just move on.

Recap#4: Spring in IUJ (2018)

The end of the winter break was the last week of March but it coincided with our theses' final draft deadline. I think I wrote the bulk of my thesis during the month of March haha. It was kinda depressing working on our thesis during the break while the first years and some of the second years who had already finished their thesis went travelling. Some of us didn't emerge from our rooms for days. I thought I wanted to go sakura viewing in Kyoto during the first week of April and booked a hotel. The only condition for me to go was that I was satisfied with my thesis progress. In the end I wasn't, so I didn't go to Kyoto and forgot to cancel the hotel booking before the deadline :(

Recap#3: Winter in IUJ (2017/2018)

The winter seemed to have come early but I think I was prepared. After all, I already had my winter jacket and mobile heater. My friends who went on exchange were back and it was nice to have them back. The first day I came back, we had movie night that night. I decided to sit at the back since I was sleepy. I think we watched Bad Genius. It was good to be back.

Recap#2: Autumn in IUJ (2017)

The new term was not as depressing as it was for me last year. I wasn't homesick but some of my close friends were away on exchange so it felt a little different. It was still okay because I got to know my other friends better. I took only two subjects this term and enjoyed both of them. One of the subjects was closely related to my thesis topic of climate change.

Recap#1: Summer in IUJ (2017)

My last IUJ recap was for the 2016/2017 academic year. I will now recap the summer break that took place after.

I went back home for Raya celebrations and it was nice to be able to celebrate with my family and friends. It did mean however, that I missed the Class of 2017's graduation ceremony. Being back was nice and I know I ate a lot. I spent around a month at home and then returned to IUJ in August to start my stint as a facilitator for the Intensive English Programme. It was not too bad but I do think that I lack superb people skill that would make it easier for me. One good thing about returning to IUJ early (apart from the money earned from being facilitator) was getting to spend time with my friends who would finish their course in August. These were the people that took 1-year courses such as E-biz and International MBA.

Dream fulfilled

It's been a week since I returned home from Japan.It took me a few days to get used to being back, the rainy and gloomy weather certainly didn't help.

Looking back at my two-year stay in  Japan was inevitable now that the dust has settled. One of the many things that occupied my mind was how I regained my status as a mostly straight A student. From primary school until middle-school, I had obtained As in most of my subjects. You could say I had a stellar record. But it all changed in high school. I just couldn't cope with Add Maths and all the science subjects: Biology, Chemistry and Physics. My score for these subjects ranged from fail to slightly above the passing mark. Until now, I'm not sure if I was lazy or that I just couldn't cope with the way the subjects were taught.